well, bless his heart.

Me: We really need lights back here. It's pitch black, you know what kind of riff raff goes back to the woods.  

Andy: no we don't need lights back here.

Me:  I'm the one who is here with the kids alone on nights when work calls you away.  I would feel safer with lights. I'm getting them.

Andy: That's not your decision anymore.

That's not your decision anymore.

If you do not know me personally, I should probably tell you I can go from sweet Donna Reed to scarier than a pit of rattlesnakes in about 1 second over crap like that. That's not your decision anymore. And my husband really really knows it's bad when I refuse to speak to him, instead just stare at him when he speaks to me. (My look clearly reads 'why the eff are you talking to me unless you are trying to undo what you did moments ago? Have you lost your mind?  Do you REALLY want me to open my mouth right now?').

I digress, as always. As for the question of my equality in this marriage, I'm pretty sure I earned a right as his equal when Poppy ripped my uterus to shreds, because that price was ultimately far greater than an effing floodlight for the backyard. Or maybe I had already earned that right from being cut open 2 times before that to give him his sons.  And just maybe I bust my ass maintaining this household every day and that's what makes me his equal. He busts his ass from 9-5. Then he sits around here and plays with the children and then plays video games after they go to sleep, while I'm knee deep in laundry, dishes, and playroom clean-up, which is akin to post apocalyptic rebuilding.

Obviously my husband knows me very well and I think he even realized what he said after it came out. He tried to brush over it for a minute, then he tried to change the subject, and when I refused to play along and gave him the ice treatment he gave up altogether. I might have frightened him a little. I'm almost certain he regrets saying it, I'm just not certain he regrets it for the right reason.

We are still getting used to this whole 1 income household thing. And not just the budget, but our respective roles, responsibilities, and the weight we each carry for certain types of decisions.

Andy was the one who really pulled for us to do this. I definitely wanted to do it, but I was all for working about 6 months longer to bank more savings.  Andy couldn't wait, so we did it when we did.

I left my job.  I cut off the source of income that I earned. And I did it knowing that there would be times where I would feel a great deal of guilt for anything I spent, even if on necessities for the children.

But what I was also afraid of was that I would become a dependent in Andy's eyes, rather than an equal.  It happens all the time, even the most pragmatic and fair spouses have a tendency to feel occasionally that the spouse who does not earn an income has less say in the finances.

So if you are considering making this change for your family, think it over a lot. Ask yourself, and respond honestly, whether you think the weight in financial decision making will be skewed if only one spouse is "earning".  Because you are both earning, the stay home parent just isn't getting paid. Or getting breaks. Or lunch. Or sick leave. Or vacations. Oh, and, they live at the office. Oh and that commute? Yeah, at-homes don't get that alone time to transition from a work-to-home state of mind. But then I suppose we do not need it because we don't actually leave work.

Be sensitive about what you say, because demonstrating a belief that one person has more weight in the marriage than another is hurtful, and it shows you are not a team player or a partner.

I, for one, would never choose to live in a dictatorship (unless I was the dictator).  Bless his heart, Andy's going to have a fine time digging himself out of this hole.  After I go buy myself something pretty. You know, since the money is out of my control.